


Cage

by straeon



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self Harm, mentions of alicia's sexual assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 02:52:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3512480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straeon/pseuds/straeon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What might have been going on with Robert and Aaron after breaking up (in the first week of March, with Aaron offscreen).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cage

The murmurings from inside the crowded pub were repellent to Aaron as he leant outside against the wall. Fighting for his breath back, with beads of sweat dripping from his face, he focussed on his hands before him – red from the biting cold. He had been resisting it – from what Robert said, as off-the-mark as he was, after what happened with Andy, his mum's worrying and finishing it with Robert for her. For himself. His life needed to be free from that poison yet that was difficult, to live his life normally, not knowing who would be around the next corner he turned – who would be in the pub right now.

Closing his eyes and breathing slowly – counting one, two as he breathed in, one, two as he held it then to four as he exhaled, like a counsellor had once told him to do – he was trying muster up the energy, of all he had left, to walk through the pub. Behave like he was coping, like nothing had happened with Robert or Katie or pieces of glass, and perhaps it would then be true. Or at least he wouldn't be affected by it any more.

But he knew what could hit him like a punch to the pit of his stomach. That suspicious look every time he walked through the door. Had he been running back to his married man behind their backs? Or concerned looks, which filled him with guilt for what he made them go through because of him.

'You're hurting everyone around you – everyone,' echoed in Aaron's mind.

And he didn't want to hear about Alicia, not from scandalised gossip, from people with sad lives who were too excited to be speculating on what had happened. He didn't want to hear about Lachlan, not about how weird he was or about his age, which must make him a victim, and not about Chrissie's hysterical reactions.

The weight of it all was too much. Deep down, he knew Alicia wouldn't lie about something like that, of course, but there was nothing he could do about it. This wasn't more stuff he was going to fail to fix or make better, to make worse by getting involved. He wouldn't let himself be pulled back into their orbit, into Robert's. From the sidelines, he could see the toxicity.

Finally, Aaron took the back door, feeling like he was giving in to his spinelessness by running and hiding from the real world.

Wasn't that what he'd been doing constantly lately? Running from everything then stopping to see he was still in the same Godforsaken place, with the same problems that he'd again stupidly brought on himself.

But the aching in his muscles, the harsh stinging in the soles of his feet and his toes, the sharpness in his throat from inhaling the cold morning air – that all took him over. And he gave into that, letting his thoughts, the worries and the guilt, float away.

Even if they were only being temporarily nulled, that was enough to allow Aaron to face the day and to keep going.

 

“Someone's here bright an' early!” Adam called, approaching Aaron outside the cabin.

“Nah, you're late, mate,” Aaron corrected. “Again.”

“Whaat,” Adam said, taking his hands from his pockets and checking his watch. “Only five minutes!”

“ _Ten_ minutes,” Aaron again corrected him.

“Oh, c'mon,” Adam said. “I had to say goodbye to Vicky, didn't I? You wouldn't be so grumpy about it if you got yourself a fella.”

“I don't need a fella,” Aaron said, averting his eyes.

“Right,” Adam said doubtfully. They knew each other well enough that Adam could figure out something had been going on with Aaron and some mystery man, but he also knew that Aaron clearly didn't want to talk about it. “But it'd help me, not having you on my face every morning.”

“But really,” Adam continued in response to Aaron's eye rolling. “When was the last time you didn't come in early? Do you stay here at nights and wait for me to come back or summat?”

“You wish,” Aaron murmured, trying to joke along with Adam but feeling that was also wondering about Aaron's behaviour. He needed to work harder at it and not make people worry, he told himself.

“Do you run every morning?” Adam asked curiously.

“I dunno,” Aaron shrugged, knowing that he had been. “I do when I feel like it. Can't be letting myself go if I need a fella, right?” And he turned away to ensure they didn't get into a serious conversation.

“Are you saying I'm letting myself go, mate?” Adam said, following at his heel.

“When was the last time your face saw a razor?”

Distractions were good, even if sometimes it was just another way to escape the overwhelming feelings and thoughts in his head. You can't be pining over a disastrous relationship, or whatever it had been with Robert, with a chainsaw in your hands.

 

He hadn't thought about him for a while – not between comforting Chrissie, or moreso trying to stay on her good side, and looking out for Andy. Now he'd escaped them and the growing pressure, the feeling of juggling pins made of glass

The paperwork that had been piling up on his desk was finally manageable again, allowing his thoughts to wander from his control.

Aaron would be working now, Robert thought while eyeing his phone.

But he wouldn't want to hear from him. He wanted to respect that but he also hoped that giving Aaron space and giving him what he wanted now would work in his favour later.

If he wanted to know how Aaron was doing, he couldn't contact him to find out, not if he meant it that Robert made things more difficult to him.

And Robert didn't find that hard to believe – he was some yards away from him when he seemed to be considering jumping into an abyss – could that be a coincidence? Or had Robert really pushed him to that? It wouldn't be the first time he'd pushed someone to their death. It had nearly happened as well with Andy and right now it seemed like all Robert was doing was trying to save people from the effects of his toxic nature.

As a child, he sometimes caught wild animals, under a glass or some air tight container, then later let them go – watched their relief to be free. He might feel some momentary pride over it, but all he'd done was stop himself from taking a harmless life. He hadn't stopped himself with Katie yet he was being praised for not driving Andy to his death.

Though not by Aaron. Thumbing through his contacts, Robert couldn't help wondering if this was his selfishness making decisions for him again. Being around Robert made things harder for Aaron? It certainly made it harder for Robert to pretend when he was faced with the one person who knew what he'd done, who knew him too well. Those accusing eyes bearing into him could bring all the remorse and shame he felt to the surface – it made him human and raw, but that wasn't how he was going to get through this.

Aaron and Robert needed to be apart right now.

The things he remembered from being with him, which made him flush and have to evade eyesight with anyone when those memories awkwardly entered his mind around other people, they weren't going to happen now.

If they gripped each other by their shirts into sex fuelled, stubble-rash-causing clinch it would be from desperation. Caresses over naked skin would be to take comfort from being with the only other person who knew the shit they were currently involved in. How could they try and forget about it with the person who reminded them about it most though?

Taking on this guise, only in front of eyes that were unseeing of the man he really was, and living in it 24/7 was the only way to ensure he could keep it together. The straight, married man who'd done nothing wrong, who was caring for his loved ones while being hard-working the rest of the time for them – he had nothing to worry about.

Even if he wanted to hold Aaron's face in his hands and tell him that none of this was his fault, that he shouldn't want to take it out on himself when he was so beautiful, when he'd already been hurt by so much in his young life... That wasn't practical. It couldn't be like that.


End file.
